If you are the parent of a challenging child, chances are good that you can relate to some of these frustrating scenarios:
- “I have to repeat myself over and over just to get my daughter to do a simple chore. Sometimes it’s not worth the effort.”
- “My son goes into total meltdown mode when I tell him to turn off the iPad.”
- “I can’t even take my five-year-old shopping with me anymore. The begging, whining and tantrums are just too much.”
- “I think I dread homework time more than my 10-year-old son does. It’s a battle just to get him to sit down and get started.”
- “Why does my daughter argue with everything I say? Sometimes I think she enjoys making me mad!”
And on particularly rough days, you might even feel like these parents:
- “I’m at my wits’ end. Getting my son through each day shouldn’t be such a struggle.”
- “I feel like I’m losing my child.”
- “This isn’t working. There has to a better way.”
There’s no sugar-coating it - parenting a challenging child is a tough and often thankless job. But don’t lose heart!
It’s important to remember that children don’t behave randomly. There is, in fact, a method to the madness!
While there are a number of temperament- and situation-based explanations for why children misbehave, research shows us that two of the most common reasons are:
To obtain some sort of reward.
This is also known as “positive reinforcement.” In a nut shell, the behavior results in something that your child wants (and makes it more likely she will engage in the behavior again).
Here’s a classic example: Your daughter really wants a piece of candy in the check-out line. Disappointed to hear the answer is “no,” she starts to whine… loudly. When this does not result in the desired treat, her whining builds to a full-fledged tantrum. To save yourself some embarrassment and prevent her from making a scene, you put the candy in the cart. Success! Your daughter has been rewarded for her behavior and has learned that tantrums in the check-out line can result in candy treats.
To escape or avoid some type of undesirable task or circumstance.
This is known in behavioral psychology circles as “negative reinforcement.” In other words, your child gets out of doing something he finds boring or aversive (chores, homework, etc.) by engaging in the undesirable behavior. In this type of scenario, your son might ignore your initial instruction to start his homework, hoping you will forget about it and he will be off the hook for homework for today.
This isn’t a bad gamble on his part, because parents are busy and he may very well get out of doing homework if you don’t have the time or patience to insist on it. If you are persistent and continue to press him, he may switch tactics and try to reassure you he will follow your instructions “in just a minute.” Delaying and arguing (as well as more concerning behaviors like using threats or aggression, in some cases) may become the go-to strategy if they are successful in escaping the undesirable task (in this case, homework).
Now that you know some factors that contribute to challenging behavior in children, it’s time to do something about them! Consider joining us for The Challenging Child: Positive Parenting for Family Harmony, a six-session workshop where you can learn evidence-based strategies to help you reverse coercive cycles of child noncompliance, improve parent-child communication and rediscover the things you love about your son or daughter.
Information provided by Sarah E. Baker, Ph.D., Beaumont Children's clinical psychologist (from the workshop The Challenging Child: Positive Parenting for Family Harmony).